When "Did You Work Out?" Feels Like an Attack
5 Big Ideas, 3 Reflection Questions, 1 Practice
đ§ In This Episode
We answer a question from a Chase Club member whoâs 31 weeks pregnant and feeling shame every time her husband asks if sheâs worked out.
We explore the gap between what someone actually says and the story we build around it, why different seasons of life call for entirely different standards, and how to say the true thing instead of hoping someone reads between the lines.
Youâll walk away with a specific script for naming your needs out loud â plus a research-backed number that will change how you interpret every hard conversation you have: even in your closest relationships, youâre probably only understanding about 35% of whatâs actually being said.
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đ 5 BIG IDEAS
1. Youâre Not Too Sensitive â Youâre Human
Being 31 weeks pregnant while carrying the demands of work, parenting, and a second pregnancy thatâs harder than the first leaves very little margin. When someone we love bumps up against that margin â even unintentionally â we feel it.
The guiding principle: do what you can with what youâve got, for where you are. The friction here isnât sensitivity â itâs misalignment between an internal reality and an external expectation. Naming that gap is the fix, not toughening up.
2. The Story We Tell Ourselves May Not Be True
When we hear a question like âDid you work out this morning?â we donât just process the words â we process everything weâve been privately thinking about ourselves: the self-judgment, the comparison to who we used to be, the fear of falling behind.
The first move is checking whether the story weâre building is actually true. The other person might be asking out of curiosity, or expressing care in the only language available to them. Before responding to the story, itâs worth confirming the story matches reality.
3. We Misunderstand Each Other More Than We Think
Research cited in David Brooksâs How to Know a Person found that even the most skilled, most intentional listeners misunderstand what the other person is saying about half the time. In our own closest relationships, weâre often only grasping around 35% of whatâs actually being communicated.
Thatâs not a failure â itâs the human condition. Once you internalize it, you stop treating every moment of misalignment as betrayal and start treating it as information. The practical tool: âIt seems like youâre sayingâŚâ â say it back, let them correct it, and start from there.
4. Seasons Require Different Things From Us
Wearing a t-shirt on the beach in August makes perfect sense. Doing the same in February in New England gets you strange looks. The activity hasnât changed â the season has, and we instinctively understand that different seasons call for different things.
The same logic applies to fitness during pregnancy, a hard quarter at work, or any stretch of life that demands more than usual. The standard isnât lower, itâs different â and appropriately so. Naming that season out loud, clearly, to the people around you, is what closes the gap between their expectations and your reality.
5. When Life Gets Hard, Double Down on Your Non-Negotiables
When things get hardest is exactly when to double down on your protocol â not by pushing harder into what isnât available, but by anchoring into what consistently works: sleep, walks, journaling, breath work, reading.
The risk in hard seasons is what we call the sewer cycle: we donât feel our best, so we reach for pacifying behaviors â the ice cream, the scrolling â which make us feel worse, which pulls us toward more pacifying behaviors. The antidote isnât willpower. Itâs naming your non-negotiables and sharing them with the people who love you, so you can pursue them together.
đ¤ 3 REFLECTION QUESTIONS
1. When someone close to you says something that stings, are you responding to what they said â or to the story you built around it?
Think of a recent moment when a comment from a partner, parent, or friend landed harder than it probably should have. What story did you construct in the gap? How different was that story from the actual words spoken? And what would it look like to respond to the words, not the story?
2. What season are you in right now â and are you treating yourself like youâre in it?
The idea of âseasonsâ isnât an excuse to lower your standards â itâs an invitation to be honest about what this particular chapter of life actually requires. What does your current season genuinely call for? And where are you still operating under a different seasonâs rules?
3. What are your non-negotiables â and have you named them out loud to the people around you?
Non-negotiables work best when the people closest to you know what they are. Itâs hard to support something you donât know exists. What are the 2â3 things that most reliably help you be the person you want to be? And does the person you share your life with know what those things are?
đŻ 1 PRACTICE
Say the actual thing.
Most miscommunication in close relationships isnât malicious â itâs incomplete. We feel the weight, we carry the emotion, but we donât say the full thing. We hope theyâll figure it out. They donât. The tension compounds.
This weekâs practice: say the actual thing. Not a hint of it. Not a subtle signal. The actual thing. When you ask if Iâve worked out, I hear pressure, even though I know you donât mean it that way. This season is harder than the last one. What I need right now is sleep, walks, and someone to celebrate those things with me.
Itâs a few sentences. It will feel vulnerable. It will almost certainly be more effective than carrying it alone â because the people who love you canât support something they donât know you need. The most important relationships in your life arenât better served by your ability to hint. Theyâre better served by your willingness to be honest.