[ 🤟🏼 ] Supporting a Friend Through Depression: The Power of Pressure & Movement

Using the trust you've earned

On (most) Mondays, we revisit one of the listener questions we’ve answered in a previous episode. It’s been edited for clarity & brevity here.

Question

from Saskia:

A very good friend has been struggling with depression and midlife issues for the past two years. She’s had counseling and taken antidepressants, but neither has helped. Every day is a struggle for her; she feels the future holds nothing and longs for the past when life was better.

We meet regularly, and I have always listened without trying to persuade her to take any action. But now, her husband is considering leaving her, and her relationship with her children is deteriorating. I wonder if starting at a gym or fitness class might help. I suggested she go to the gym every workday, join a group class, and try this for three months to see if physical activity improves her mental state.

However, she is very reluctant, and I don’t want to pressure her. Do you have any ideas on how I can help her?

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Answer

BEN: First, I commend you for caring and being there - you're a good friend and care a lot.

I'd suggest taking it to the next level. If she's really at risk of losing her husband, she needs you to let her know. That's a big deal. People don't generally change unless forced to do so, without that necessary push.

But it sounds like the train is on the tracks, and something jarring is needed to switch tracks.

As a friend, I know you're listening without trying to persuade her. But if you meet often and she's sharing a lot, it's time to start trying to persuade. It will be uncomfortable and riskier than just being an empathetic shoulder or ear, but it's time.

If she's reluctant, my suggestion is to tell her what's at risk. When my father-in-law battled alcoholism, nothing changed until we said, "You're going to lose your family." Once we made him aware of how severe the situation was, it hit home. He's an awesome guy who loves his family dearly, but needed that ultimatum.

If you can tell your friend, "You're going to lose your husband," it could be a wake-up call. If you made it clear that this isn't just about being in a bad mood. That it’s drastically affecting those around you and that they won't stick around indefinitely. That she needs to make changes and that you’re there to help.

I commend you for suggesting going to a gym or fitness class for three months. Lots of research, including meta-analyses with tens of thousands of participants, shows that regular physical activity is at least as effective as pharmacological interventions like antidepressants.

I'd approach the conversation like this: Come to the gym with me. I'll pick you up on the way, and we can go three, four, or five times a week.

I believe it's the number of exposures that make the change. If she goes to the gym two or three times a week, it might take six, eight, or even ten weeks to see a change. But it'll happen much faster if she goes with you four or five times a week.

It's like playing guitar. If you practice once or twice a week, it might take a year or two to become proficient.

I'm a big fan of immersion - full commitment and drastically changing the environment. As we've said before, it's easier to be 100% committed than 80/20.

Tell her: Let's see if we can change your life and your relationship with your husband. Let's try this for three months - 90 days. It's a challenging situation, but to see results, we gotta take a risk.

Don't underestimate the impact your voice can have. You've already established a level of trust with your friend. Now, it's time to use that trust to inspire change.

PATRICK: To reinforce what you’re saying, Saskia said she doesn't want to pressure her friend, but—

BEN: Yeah, no, it's pressure—

PATRICK: Pressure isn't necessarily a bad thing.

BEN: Right.

PATRICK: The right pressure, with the right intent, can be incredible and make all the difference. Often, we need someone to apply that kind of pressure to push us further than we're willing to go on our own.

We need someone to make us feel like, Oh, maybe I am capable of that. You believe in me, maybe I should believe in myself. Why do you believe in me? What am I not seeing? I don't believe in myself, but I trust you. If you believe in me, I can take those two steps.

If we build the relationships we want and create the connections we always talk about, then in some ways, not putting pressure on the people in our lives is actually stealing from them.

BEN: The words you used are great - pressure with the right intention. It's not about giving an ultimatum, like "If you don't change, I'm leaving."

It's about pressure with the right intention.

I care about you and want the best for you.

And as you said, she didn't want to apply pressure. But how many people really change without it?

PATRICK: That's a great point.

BEN: Nobody studies for an exam until it's two days away. No one starts a project when it's assigned; they do it when it's due. We need that pressure.

That's why deadlines are so impactful, and we need our peers to call us out when we're not acting in line with our values.

The last thing, I don't want to downplay this: Depression is real. I have a lot of sympathy because it's easy to say, "Just be in a better mood."

About 15 years ago, I was at my first CrossFit Games. After the event, we far exceeded our expectations. We rented a house on the beach in Northern California in Aromas. We were all celebrating - about 15 of us in this amazing house.

I started to get this really weird, sad feeling. We were hanging out upstairs. Everyone was drinking and partying. I went downstairs, drew the curtains, and started crying. I couldn't control this level of sadness.

I realized later that, after being stung by a bee at the Games, the medical team gave me a prescription painkiller and I had this strange, depressing reaction. Maybe it was because I had a couple of drinks with it, but it taught me just how much you can’t simply snap out of it. It wasn’t just a matter of choice; it was chemical and beyond my control.

So this is something to empathize with, but also realize that if we need to change internal chemistry, training is how we do that. Movement creates different chemical changes in the body.

There's a lot of evidence that the least healthy thing a depressed person can do is nothing. When they do nothing, they ruminate on their depression, essentially throwing gas on the fire, which makes it worse.

The simple act of going out and buying groceries can alleviate depression because they're out doing something beyond just asking, "Why am I so depressed?"

When they get into a social environment, like a gym, being active, the multifaceted effects on depressed individuals are significant and substantial.

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