How to Know if You Should Quit Your Job, Leave Your Partner, or Sell Your House
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🎧 In This Episode
We sit down with Robert Glazer, author of The Compass Within, to explore how understanding your core values can transform your life and leadership.
Robert walks us through the practical process of discovering your values, why most people get them wrong, and how to use them as an actionable framework for the biggest decisions you’ll ever make - from your career to your relationships to where you live.
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Most people think they know their values, but they don’t. Single words like “integrity” or “family” aren’t specific enough to guide decisions—you need actionable phrases that mean something unique to you.
Your values are forged through formative experiences. They come from both the things you’re doubling down on and the things you’re running away from in your childhood and adolescence.
The “Big Three” require values alignment. Your partner, your vocation, and your community will fail without core values alignment—and knowing your values helps you make these critical choices.
Living your values requires courage. Short-term costs are real, but the long-term pain of misalignment is far greater.
❤️🔥 A Deeper Dive
Big Ideas
The Dissonance Problem
Robert opens with a reality check: most people haven’t thought much about their core values, some have vague one-word values like “integrity” or “family,” and only a few have a written, defined list they actually use. The problem? Most of us are on autopilot - doing good things, working hard, showing up - but without the clarity that comes from knowing what truly matters. This creates dissonance: a persistent discomfort that shows up when we’re living out of alignment with our deepest principles.
The Car Tunnel Analogy
Robert offers a powerful image: imagine driving a sports car through a pitch-black tunnel. You can’t see the yellow lines or the walls, so you inevitably crash into one side, overcorrect, and hit the other. You’ll make it through, but your car will be damaged. Now imagine the same tunnel with the lights on - you can see the yellow lines and easily stay in your lane. The lines are your values, and the light is your awareness of them. Most of us are driving in the dark, hitting walls repeatedly, when we could simply turn on the lights.
The Core Validator
Not all values are created equal. Robert provides four tests to ensure your values are actionable:
Can you use it to make a decision? If it doesn’t help you choose between real options, it’s not a useful value.
Does the opposite cause discomfort? If imagining the inverse doesn’t viscerally bother you, it’s probably not a core value.
Is it a phrase, not a single word? Words like “integrity” mean different things to different people. “Always keep your word” is specific and actionable.
Can you objectively rate yourself on it? You should be able to assess whether you’re living up to this value on any given day or week.
The Big Three
Your core values matter most in three areas:
Your chosen partner or spouse — Values misalignment here creates persistent friction that rarely improves
Your vocation or specific workplace — You might be in the right career but the wrong company, or vice versa
Your community — Where you live and who you spend time with either reinforces or violates your values
The Formative Experience Connection
Core values aren’t aspirational - they’re archaeological. They’ve been with you for years, forged through formative life experiences, usually in childhood. Robert consistently finds that values come from two sources: something you’re doubling down on (like discipline from a military family) or something you’re running away from (like self-awareness from an embarrassing parent). When Robert works with people, he can trace almost every core value back to a specific story or experience.
The Courage Factor
Living your values isn’t easy. Elsewhere, Robert has shared the story of Basecamp founders who banned political discussions at work in 2021 at the height of workplace activism. They were lambasted, told they were on the wrong side of history - and 30% of their company left. But applications poured in, and three years later, they’re having their best years ever. The short-term pain of alignment is always less than the long-term agony of misalignment.
Key Distinctions
Traditional View vs. Values-Driven Approach:
Vague one-word values → Specific actionable phrases
“Integrity” could mean 10 different things
“Always keep your word” is clear and measurable
Aspirational goals → Archaeological discovery
Not what you want to be
What you’ve always been, now clarified
Comfortable autopilot → Courageous alignment
Autopilot works when things are smooth
Real values get tested when they cost you something
Reflection Questions
The Opposite Test: Think of one value you believe you have. Now imagine a person at a party who embodies the exact opposite. How do you feel? If it doesn’t viscerally bother you, it might not be a true core value.
The Big Three Audit: For your current partner/spouse, your job/vocation, and your community - are you in harmony or dissonance? Where are you hitting the walls of the tunnel?
The Formative Experience Question: What experiences from your childhood or adolescence still influence how you show up today? Are you doubling down on something positive or running from something painful?
The Decision-Making Test: Think of a difficult decision you’re facing. Would having clarity on your core values make that decision easier? If so, what does that tell you?
The Cost Question: What has your lack of values clarity already cost you? What might it cost you in the next year if nothing changes?
Practice Opportunities
The Six-Question Discovery Process:
Robert provides six questions to begin uncovering your values (also available at robertglazer.com/six):
In what non-work environments are you highly engaged, and why?
In what professional roles or jobs have you done your best work, and why?
What help, advice, or qualities do others come to you for?
When have you been disengaged in a personal or professional setting, and why?
What qualities in other people do you struggle with most?
What would you want said about you in your eulogy?
Write your answers on separate pieces of paper, then look for themes and keywords that appear multiple times. Group similar concepts together—these themes will become your core values.
The Test-Drive Period:
Once you have draft values, put them on your desk where you can see them. For the next 1-2 months, actively look for three things:
Highs: Moments when you feel energized and aligned - check if they connect to your values
Lows: Interactions that feel terrible - check if someone violated the opposite of your values
Decisions: Use your values to guide choices and see if they provide clarity
The Avatar Exercise:
For each potential value, create an avatar of the opposite. Imagine that person in detail at a party. How do you feel? If you feel visceral discomfort, you’re on the right track.
Application Framework
Step 1: Discovery (Weeks 1-2)
Set aside 2-3 hours to answer the six questions thoroughly
Don’t rush - let stories and examples emerge
Look for patterns and repeated themes across all six answers
Step 2: Validation (Weeks 3-4)
Run your themes through the Core Validator
Can you make decisions with them?
Does the opposite cause discomfort?
Are they phrases, not single words?
Can you rate yourself objectively?
Step 3: Refinement (Weeks 5-8)
Place your values somewhere visible
Test them against real decisions
Adjust wording as needed (like changing “accountability” to “own it”)
Share with trusted people and get feedback
Step 4: Integration (Ongoing)
Use values in decision-making conversations
Reference them when something feels off
Audit the Big Three for alignment
Make courageous changes where dissonance exists
Key Takeaways
On Discovery:
Your values have been with you for years - this is archaeology, not aspiration
Single words don’t work - you need specific phrases that mean something unique to you
Most values trace back to formative childhood experiences, either positive or negative
On Decision-Making:
The “Big Three” (partner, vocation, community) require values alignment to work
Values should make decisions easier, not harder
The opposite test is one of the best validators - if it doesn’t viscerally bother you, it’s not a core value
On Courage:
Living your values often comes with short-term costs (money, relationships, comfort)
The long-term pain of misalignment is always greater than the short-term cost of alignment
Values misalignments start as fissures but become earthquakes if ignored
On Leadership:
Leaders who live and talk about their values are perceived as 3x more trustworthy
Employees who see values alignment are 56% more engaged
Company values should be used in hiring, firing, performance reviews, and daily decisions—not just hung on walls
The Bottom Line:
Most of us are driving through a dark tunnel, hitting walls repeatedly, when we could simply turn on the lights.
Your core values are those lights.
The work of discovering them requires honesty and courage, but the alternative - a life of persistent dissonance - is far more costly.
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